Relationships: Overcoming Cheating and Deception
#1 Love is obvious. If you have to constantly question whether or not your significant other loves you, then you might be in a one-sided relationship where you’re not receiving love to the capacity which you deserve. When a man loves a woman, is it so painfully obvious. It is a smooth and natural progression the complete TCT:
The Time: They take you out on dates to restaurants, movies and even cook a special dinner for you. They spend time on you and with you.
The Call: They call you because they care about you. They want to see how your day is going or sometimes they just want to hear your voice.
The Title: There is never a need to rush things, however, if a man has true feelings for you, he won’t be willing to share, period. He will want to define the relationship.
Everyone has been in a relationship in which they’ve been cheated on, dumped or those “what was I even thinking” relationships. As women, we are at times under the impression that we somehow can fix the men we are with or that a men will eventually change into what we want them to be. Although change is possible, because anything is possible with God, that doesn’t necessarily mean people actually want to change. At the end of the day, people are who they are, and sometimes we just have to accept that.
Women are fantastic multi-taskers, self-starters; we are strong and resilient by nature. When we love someone we want to see the best in them because that’s what we fell in love with. However, we must be careful that we aren’t viewing our significant other as the person who we want them to be. The biggest lesson I’ve learned in life is that you have to love people for who they are and not for who you want them to be. It’s never a healthy idea to put up with the someone just because they are familiar or just to “have a man”. When you’re cheated on, the common thought comes to mind: Was it something I did? The answer is NO. If your significant other was unhappy, they could have left, spoke about the problems in the relationship, etc. Instead of confronting relationship problems, some people will just cheat, but again, that is not a reflection of you.
Your significant other may have loved you at one point, but they compromised that when they cheated on you. That doesn’t mean that the love cannot be revitalized, worked though and restored. However, there is a difference between a love worth saving and love worth letting go. If someone truly loves you and respects you/themselves, they are not going to cheat on you, period. Truthfully, there are just as many men, who, like many women, do not know their worth. This is evident in men who date promiscuous women. Refuting the ideology of the conventional double standard that a who man sleeps with many women is viewed as “cool”, in actuality, a man who truly values himself and respects his worth wouldn’t engage in such behavior. The truth of the matter is this: not all men cheat, not all men prefer to be promiscuous, not all men are immature, etc. Whether the “cop out” answer of all time… “all guys cheat” was created by a commitment-fob guy backed into the corner, or a woman who had given up all hope, it is irrelevant because it’s not true. If you believe that, then you are setting yourself up for failure or worse: settling for less than you deserve.
We should never settle for someone who treats us as an alternative, because we are worth so much more. People will treat you how accept to be treated. It is better to be single than to be with a man who doesn’t love you and treat you in a manner that reflects your value.
Allowing yourself to be a “side chick” is declaration that you don’t believe in your self-worth. A woman who knows her worth won’t tolerate being an accessory. Don’t settle as “the main chick” either, because in a group of three, the person in the middle is the only centerpiece. You should never allow or encourage yourself to be treated as an option.
What about the other woman? The other woman is truly irrelevant unless it was a friend or relative. You should never take your anger out on the other woman simply because you don’t want to be angry at the man who hurt you. She could have been just as much in the dark as you were, and even if she wasn’t, don’t give her that power over you. It doesn’t
matter what she looks like, how much money she has, what she does for a living, or what he did or said to her. It is about you and your relationship, which she has already been given too much access to, by overstepping her boundaries. A partner who cheats is not worth fighting over because they never took the time to fight for you, for your respect, commitment, or promises. In terms of confronting the other woman/man, sometimes it’s an unavoidable situation, and that is a case-by-case basis.
The most important thing is to love yourself, because being in a relationship is not about searching for your other half, it isn’t about searching at all, but exploring the entire person you are. Developing that trust over time, will allow a person to push you harder and make you better in the process. You want to look for the type of person who is going to tell you the truth when you’re wrong and correct you when you make a mistake. The right person will do this not because they’re trying to bring you down, but because they are trying to bring you all the way up to the top. Relationships are about trust; they are about building, understanding, compromising, listening, and being selfless in a healthy way. They are about lifting the other person up when they are weak and keeping your word. You desire to wake up each morning and see the face of the person you want to spend the rest of your life with: your best friend, the person who has seen you in a way that no one else ever has, because you trust them, completely.
You cannot run away when times get hard, or just “be there” without being present. It’s about knowing that you have my back even when I don’t deserve it at times. It’s about giving up the need to be right; it is where you disarm your pride because you want to grow. It’s not about expecting people to be perfect, but requiring people to treat you at a certain standard. It’s not about one person putting in all the effort and constantly doing everything in the relationship. It is not a power struggle.
Please make no mistake about it, if a man wants to see you he will drive 200 miles to see you. If a man wants to talk to you he will make you a priority. If a man adores you and respects you, he will not cheat on you. If your partner respects your heart and body he will not put you in harm’s way or intentionally break your heart for selfish desires. If a man wants to call and text you he will, and every day at that. He will spend time with you anytime he gets a chance, because when someone wants you, they go after you. It’s not love if you’re only there to be an ATM when he needs something. It’s not love if he expects you to be readily available at the drop of the dime because he doesn’t care enough to plan a date with you. Don’t be that girl who sits by the phone, waiting for him to recognize your worth. It will take time, but eventually, you’ll move on find someone better. I promise. There are good men out there. They are not all “the same.” That is why it’s so important to not waste your time on the ones who are not worth it. You could be missing out on that man who is just waiting to treat you like his queen. You shouldn’t beat yourself up about walking away from a bad relationship, because you can walk away knowing you loved 100 percent. All we can do is be honest and hope that others will do the same.
Love is never taking someone’s kindness for granted or violating someone’s trust. Our word is all we have in life, and if people cannot trust that, then they ultimate cannot trust you. It is never a healthy idea to continue to go back to person who cheats on you, just because you’ve been together for a long time or because you think you’ll never find someone better. You can and you will! You may tell yourself: But things were so good before! It’s okay to reminisce on the good times, but don’t let that overshadow the truth; if a man disrespects you and violates your trust then that is not love. It doesn’t matter if they tell you they’re sorry or they still love you, because actions speak louder than words. LOOK AT THE HIS ACTIONS VERSES HIS WORDS.
The sad truth is if you are with a serial liar or cheater, your partner most likely isn’t going to change. That’s why it’s important to never get caught up in the fantasy of them becoming like they once “were”, or what you thought they could become. Things have changed. They were most likely never that person to begin with. You are not a doormat. But, each time you take them back he knows what can get away with. He will continue to disrespect you, but to an even greater degree, because when you don’t respect yourself, others won’t respect you.
When you’re cheated on, it takes time to move on; but eventually you will. It hurts because you loved and cared about your partner, and you thought that feeling was mutual. We should never doubt our worth or how we are required to be treated. Love is never a sacrifice of your soul; Love is about compromise, but never a compromise on your personal integrity or safety. Remember that you deserve real love. You are worth it, so never settle for anything less. If you have a friend in this situation, let them know their worth but over time they have to come to the realization themselves. It may be hard; they may accuse you of being judgmental, a hater or claim that you attempting to bring them down. You have to realize that some people have been oppressed for so long that when someone offers them the alternative, it feels like an attack to them. It is important to be open to ways of thinking that may differ from our own, because doing such promotes personal growth.
As I always say…
Lead a man into darkness, he challenges nothing. Lead a man into enlightenment, he challenges everything.
In other words, it seems that many people do not challenge the evil in the world, and those are the same individuals who question people who are trying to make positive changes and inspire others to do better. Every time I write an article I keep that in mind because I realize that some people do not like “advice” even if it’s in their best interest due to the simple fact that people do not like to be told what to do. Even by telling young women to respect themselves and value their bodies can make individuals rebut with the standard ‘hater’ comment or “who does she think she is?” attitude.
Someone once told me…
“There isn’t sin in the world because people are ‘bad’, but because of the amount of deception in the world.”
…The deception that young women need to be objectified in order to be comfortable in their own skin or that being empowered can only come from baring your breasts… The deception that we should be accepting of less than what we are worth in relationships and life… The deception that if anyone goes against that status quo of ‘Nakedness’ they’re automatically a hater or that they tear other women down by telling them to love themselves. The fact that some women believe that someone encouraging them to love and respect their bodies is ‘hating’ only illustrates how deeply deception runs.
It is critical to love yourself and know your worth in every aspect in your life. Support women who do positive things, and encourage those who go astray. Remembering that settling is beneath you and that every woman deserves the best, even if she doesn’t realize it herself. You deserve love and respect, never let the world lead you to believe otherwise.
Keep your head up, beautiful!
