My “Aha” Moment
Image by Gigi Marie Photography
Domestic Violence unfortunately is something that I witnessed as a child growing up. Both of my parents have loved us very much and each individually have grown tremendously through the years, however there was constant violence between the two of them and it affected my views on healthy relationships, and I chose one in which domestic abuse reared its ugly head.
I was young when I decided to marry. I met him in the Marine Corps, as my four years were coming to an end. I chose to get out so that I could have babies and get married.
I jumped in knowing that abuse was already there, but I guess the youth and my naivety that I could change him allowed me to marry anyways. (This is a common mistake many couples make. Change is personal, not something you can force on another.) The night before we got married, we were rolling down the hill in a physical altercation.
As a young woman without the greatest role model’s I wasn’t equipped with the tools on how to handle this type of relationship. I chose alcohol on many occasions when he would call and say he was on his way home, just so I could “deal” with him. I know now, that that was not the best way to deal with my stress. I called him names and fought back a lot at the beginning, and then after my children were born, I became more passive and avoided physical contact as much as possible. But, the abusive behavior was still there. After 7 years of marriage, I knew I had to leave. After 9 years, I did leave. Here is my story.
My “AHA!”- Moment
Up against the wall, trying to catch my breath and push back the hand that was clenched around my trachea, it was all I could do to stay calm until he loosened his grip.
I didn’t want to disturb my babies who were sleeping at the time but, as quiet as I tried to be, it didn’t matter. My eldest already had become aware of the ruckus. At 4, full of wonder and hope, she was standing quietly with her big, bright eyes when she whimpered, “Mommy, are you OK?” My heart dropped at the sound of her quiet, shaky little voice as the hand around my throat suddenly slipped away.
That moment, led me to a profound place. I was going to stop this cycle of abuse that I had witnessed as a child and refuse to allow my children to live in this environment as well. I needed to leave my husband.
Don’t get me wrong, this did not happen overnight. It took time. I went through procedures and told myself that we could do counseling and we did. I found a church, a wonderful church, and we started going as a family. We got involved in groups, served as children ministry instructors, even did a reunion of vows.
The sad thing about it was that my spirit was at risk, it was dying slowly and the self -talks that I was giving to myself became passive and meek. My husband wasn’t changing and I began to think, “ This is your life, you are married. Work it out.” I began to think that maybe much of the reasons he was abusive was somehow my fault. I wanted to do the right thing. So, the next logical step seemed to be to enroll in a class on “How to Love Your Husband More” through my church.
Two years had passed since that moment in the hallway and I painfully knew in my heart that he was not going to change. After many more forms of abuse along the way, my day finally came when I stood up and had the big “A-HA! This is it, moment! “
It came as I was sitting in a circle around a table with more women. We started our session on how to love your husband more. I sat patiently until my turn arrived to speak while each woman would share something that happened in her life that week in her relationship that may have caused disappointment with her husband, or ways that she could be more supportive.
I listened while one discussed how her husband wasn’t the same religion, and she felt judged for that. I listened how one woman said that her husband told her that she was fat and lazy or wouldn’t give her any attention. I would listen as our mentor would say that we needed to pray for our husbands and pray for their heart to soften. Each and every day I listened.
When it finally got to me, my heart was pumping and my soul was wide open and I heard a voice within me shout out “This is it, I can’t do this anymore!” and I spoke out and said…. “My father always told me to do unto others, as you’ll have done unto you, and I have always tried to live this way. But, I know, on this day, I cannot do well unto others, if I am not doing well unto myself and allowing harm to come to me!” Then, I stood up and said “I cannot do this anymore. I am done!”
I shocked a few people in the church that day because my husband and I seemed to be the “perfect couple!” We had matching vehicles, a white picket fence;( well brown anyways), two little girls and a dog. We sat with each other in church, with my husband’s arm around my shoulder, and smiled and chatted with everyone before and after church.
When I left, it wasn’t to be mean or weak; vindictive or unfaithful. It was a means of survival for me, and my children, mentally, physically and spiritually. I endured many nights of grief when I took my daughter’s out of that life. But, with faith and a strong support network, I was able to manage through it.
Yes… I have had many struggles along the way as a single parent, no I have not handled myself with grace all of the time nor have I been a perfect mother, but I have never given up, and I have always gone back to faith and believing in my self when I have needed to.
It has taken me many years to learn how to talk positively to myself through the years. It is a work in progress, but it HAS changed my life. It has changed the way that I view my self- worth and has enabled me to inspire other women that are going through this and to share with them the idea that they are NEVER alone. I feel that when you are in the darkest of hour’s you are MOST comforted, all you have to do is listen and accept
You will be given more strength than you realize that you even have and will be armored in self-confidence, awareness, and bravery as you do what you HAVE to do to live and to be happy.
I have learned that I am in charge of my self and that abuse is simply about power and control. Nothing else.
Don’t be a victim any longer. Find the strength that lies within you and listen to your voice. Remember…You are never alone.
